It was my last year in middle school and I was 15, I had to decide which high school I'll have to attend in September, and I had absolutely no idea... my favorites courses were languages (spanish, english) and earth sciences ! The dream of my life : I wanted to become a volcanologist ;). Or I wanted to study english and become a teacher, and for that I decided to pursue my studies in Australia... of course I was too young and my parents disagreed !
At the end, the only option I had was to think about what were my interests, and as I loved travelling and I could easily use foreign languages, I decided that working in tourism business would be nice ! I went to Catering-Hotel management School since this isn't really tourism, but people told me I could still work as a Receptionnist (It turned out that I left the first year of my 2-year-program Diploma because I learnt very little about hotel management, and more about cooking and dinig room service... and it was a very strict private school, far from home... nothing that I liked ;)
During summer vacation I went to the Alps with my father like every August, my sister and nephews and cousins joined us for a whole month, it was fun and I met new friends. Among the new friends I met, there was a Jewish boy who was 7 year older than me, and for some reasons he showed me a lot of attention and we got closer. It was for me an opportunity to get to know more about Jewish people and Judaism and it was what one calls "a summer love" and didn't really kept in touch with him after that.
After vacations, back to the city and school and daily life... daily life ? not for me anymore ! I wanted to know everything about judaism now that I met this boy so I asked my father to let me use Internet at home to do researches for school... I never used Internet for school ;)
One day, I decided to go to the jewish neighborhood on saturday and wait for a Jew in the streets and ask him about any class of jewish studies. I was afraid to talk to a stranger and I didn't even know what to say exactly. I think I waited for the entire afternoon, on a bench, until someone crossed my path... and I saw a man, dressed in black, I wasn't sure yet if he was jewish or not so I ran and asked him "excuse me sir, but... are you jewish ?", at the answer "yes" I realized it was my chance to speak or maybe look totally stupid without saying a word... so I told him that I had an interest in judaism and wanted to know where to learn about it. He asked me if I was Catholic, which I answered with hesitation "I guess, I mean my parents are..." then he asked me if I was willing to convert to Judaism, "Convert ? I don't know, I never thought about conversion, I am just curious about your religion and I would like to learn a little bit...". He simply said "No there is nothing for you then, I have to go"
I didn't understand why he was so cold and why I couldn't study judaism ? Because my parents are catholics ? Because I need to convert to be able to learn ? I was very disappointed, and I remembered a conversation I had with my uncle when I told him that I met a jewish boy during vacations, he said "you'll never be accepted by Jews, they are closed and they don't like non Jews". I was thinking "he's right !!" and I cried !
If I couldn't talk to people in real, maybe I could use Internet and chatrooms and forums to meet Jews ! That's what I did, but it didn't bring any satisfaction, no one was interested in teaching me because I wasn't jewish... But I am very stubborn and I spent hours and hours on internet every day typing the words "jews, judaism, israel, conversion". I also found a great tv show about all religions on sunday morning from 8am to noon... 9:15 quickly became my weekly "meeting" with Rabbi Josy Eisenberg ! This is how I started my learnings : TV, Radio, Internet...
But I still had this problem with my identity : not jewish = never accepted !
I had to write an essay about the Holocaust for school, I went to the jewish bookstore and asked the saleswoman about books I could read for this essay. I thought it would be beneficial to read books about judaism as well... The saleswoman asked me what kind of book I wanted, and I told her the same thing "I'm not jewish but interested in judaism, and I don't know where to learn and what to learn ?!", herself too wasn't very helpful.
I started thinking "what is wrong with me that nobody wants to tell me anything about judaism ??" I told one of my friend and she said that maybe it wasn't for me, maybe I shouldn't learn judaism that it wasn't worth !
The day had come at school where I had to give my speech about the Holocaust, and at the end, the teacher asked me if I was jewish... which I answered "yes I am" with a huge smile, I convinced myself and people that I was jewish and identify myself to a religion that I started loving, and I just felt... good !
At the end, the only option I had was to think about what were my interests, and as I loved travelling and I could easily use foreign languages, I decided that working in tourism business would be nice ! I went to Catering-Hotel management School since this isn't really tourism, but people told me I could still work as a Receptionnist (It turned out that I left the first year of my 2-year-program Diploma because I learnt very little about hotel management, and more about cooking and dinig room service... and it was a very strict private school, far from home... nothing that I liked ;)
During summer vacation I went to the Alps with my father like every August, my sister and nephews and cousins joined us for a whole month, it was fun and I met new friends. Among the new friends I met, there was a Jewish boy who was 7 year older than me, and for some reasons he showed me a lot of attention and we got closer. It was for me an opportunity to get to know more about Jewish people and Judaism and it was what one calls "a summer love" and didn't really kept in touch with him after that.
After vacations, back to the city and school and daily life... daily life ? not for me anymore ! I wanted to know everything about judaism now that I met this boy so I asked my father to let me use Internet at home to do researches for school... I never used Internet for school ;)
One day, I decided to go to the jewish neighborhood on saturday and wait for a Jew in the streets and ask him about any class of jewish studies. I was afraid to talk to a stranger and I didn't even know what to say exactly. I think I waited for the entire afternoon, on a bench, until someone crossed my path... and I saw a man, dressed in black, I wasn't sure yet if he was jewish or not so I ran and asked him "excuse me sir, but... are you jewish ?", at the answer "yes" I realized it was my chance to speak or maybe look totally stupid without saying a word... so I told him that I had an interest in judaism and wanted to know where to learn about it. He asked me if I was Catholic, which I answered with hesitation "I guess, I mean my parents are..." then he asked me if I was willing to convert to Judaism, "Convert ? I don't know, I never thought about conversion, I am just curious about your religion and I would like to learn a little bit...". He simply said "No there is nothing for you then, I have to go"
I didn't understand why he was so cold and why I couldn't study judaism ? Because my parents are catholics ? Because I need to convert to be able to learn ? I was very disappointed, and I remembered a conversation I had with my uncle when I told him that I met a jewish boy during vacations, he said "you'll never be accepted by Jews, they are closed and they don't like non Jews". I was thinking "he's right !!" and I cried !
If I couldn't talk to people in real, maybe I could use Internet and chatrooms and forums to meet Jews ! That's what I did, but it didn't bring any satisfaction, no one was interested in teaching me because I wasn't jewish... But I am very stubborn and I spent hours and hours on internet every day typing the words "jews, judaism, israel, conversion". I also found a great tv show about all religions on sunday morning from 8am to noon... 9:15 quickly became my weekly "meeting" with Rabbi Josy Eisenberg ! This is how I started my learnings : TV, Radio, Internet...
But I still had this problem with my identity : not jewish = never accepted !
I had to write an essay about the Holocaust for school, I went to the jewish bookstore and asked the saleswoman about books I could read for this essay. I thought it would be beneficial to read books about judaism as well... The saleswoman asked me what kind of book I wanted, and I told her the same thing "I'm not jewish but interested in judaism, and I don't know where to learn and what to learn ?!", herself too wasn't very helpful.
I started thinking "what is wrong with me that nobody wants to tell me anything about judaism ??" I told one of my friend and she said that maybe it wasn't for me, maybe I shouldn't learn judaism that it wasn't worth !
The day had come at school where I had to give my speech about the Holocaust, and at the end, the teacher asked me if I was jewish... which I answered "yes I am" with a huge smile, I convinced myself and people that I was jewish and identify myself to a religion that I started loving, and I just felt... good !
3 comments:
Don't give up!
Hashem hears your prayers.
Yisrael ben Avraham
Hi, Thanks for your very detailed story. I myself am not Jewish, but my mothers family is or rather was, they have all passed away. I consider myself to be an atheist and a German - not helping in trying to connect with "my" community from which I have been culturally isolated due to political circumstances (grew up in East Germany)is my very German surname "Schroeder". I am also one of the few Yiddish-German/English translators in the UK, so imagine the hesitation people show when they find out I am German and fully German and I have never been in Israel before. So, don't worry too much. I am not accepted and I am supposed to be Jewish (or at least semantic if not religious) - people are not rude - just shy and perhaps a little over protective. If you give me your email, I can tell you a little more about Judism in Central Europe and also about the Yiddish language - these are matters that are better discussed in privacy as people easily feel offended - sadly.
Thank you both for your warm comments I really appreciate it.
I must say that now i'm official a bas yisroel, but I just have such a hectic life that it is hard for me to focus on writing, I'll do my best to continue this blog, but since there is so much to say, be patient !
I wouldn't mind trading my email to you anonymous number 2 ! but is there a way to send it to you in a private message ?
A git shabbes!
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